I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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