if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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