I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
