: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
