How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
