they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
