If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize