I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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