I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
