I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
a search helicopter?!
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize