This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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