STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
