If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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