so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
