Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
