I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
