this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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