a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
