I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
