i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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