can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
