I can text with my tongue
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
