Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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