I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
