Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
