I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize