She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
