you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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