dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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