Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
