dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
