This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
