I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
