hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize