i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
