One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
