I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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