i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
A+ Viking dick
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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