ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize