Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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