Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
