i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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