never play flip cup with pint glasses
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
