is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize