I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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