My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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