So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
