well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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