she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
