Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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