Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
