I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize