I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
