Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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