I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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