High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
