my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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