Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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