Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
