I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
