PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
