MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My balls are so social today.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
